Harry Potter and the Big Red Stone
by Emily Elliot
Summary: Run and Hide! It's another HP Parody!
1. The Beginning OR Where's the Pez?

Author notes: This parody was GREATLY inspired by Jehan's Muse's PotC: Curse of the Anachronistic Allusions's parody. Apologies to her. :)  
  
---------  
  
Harry Potter and The Philosopher's Stone – or as I like to call it, The Big Red Stone That Everyone Wants But No One Can Find Unless You Are A 11 Year Old Wizard Newbie  
  
[EXT: a dark, but street light lit road. An OMINOUS OWL is perched above a street sign that reads "PRIVET DRIVE"]  
  
Ominous Owl: I'm a lumber jack and I'm ok, I work all night and sleep all day...oh not again! Here's that oddly dressed old guy, I better hoot.  
  
Dumbledore: Oh look, an owl!  
  
Ominous Owl: Hoot!  
  
Human-looking-cat: I'm going to pretend I'm a cat until he says my name, just for effect.  
  
Dumbledore: Now where did I put that Pez dispenser?  
  
[He fishes around and pulls out a STRANGE OBJECT that reminds the AUTHORESS of a POOPER SCOOPER.]  
  
Dumbledore: Darn, I must have taken this thing by mistake. Wonder what it does?  
  
[He presses a button. Several of the street lamps go out.]  
  
Dumbledore: Oh goodie, we can play Murder in the Dark!  
  
[He continues to put out all the street lights. Somewhere, a HUMAN-LOOKING- CAT meows.]  
  
Human-looking-cat: Meow!  
  
Dumbledore: Really, I don't know why she does that; she can probably talk like a regular person even in cat form. Hello Professor McGonagall, I'm going to pretend I didn't notice you.  
  
[The HUMAN-LOOKING-CAT transforms into AN OLD LOOKING WITCH]  
  
McGonagall: I did that in shadow so that when I do it later in the film it's still impressive.  
  
Dumbledore: I still think its cool and I've seen it plenty of times.  
  
McGonagall: Hush! No one must know the love we feel for each other!  
  
Dumbledore: Hmm?  
  
McGonagall: Better move the plot along, Are the rumors true?  
  
Dumbledore: Yes, I don't wear knickers under this dress. I mean...yes they are true, the good and the bad.  
  
McGonagall: So, the party at Sirius' house is cancelled?  
  
Dumbledore: Quite. But he sent Hagrid to us, even gave him his flying bike, but lets not explain to the audience that it's actually Sirius' until the third book. They won't understand and it will kind of ruin the whole reveal about how Sirius isn't a bad guy...  
  
McGonagall: [talking over him] do you think we can trust Hagrid?  
  
Dumbledore: Well, he's not the smartest of people but I think he'd protect me awfully well, being so big...  
  
McGonagall: I'd protect you...  
  
Dumbledore: [talking over her] Ah Hagrid! Hullo! Nice weather?  
  
Hagrid: Beauty of a bike eh? Did you know it actually belongs to...?  
  
Dumbledore: [talking over him] do you have the kid?  
  
Hagrid: Oh! Yeah, he's around here somewhere, 'fraid I might have sat on him...  
  
Dumbledore: No, that happens later, he's around your neck.  
  
Hagrid: So he is! Here you go.  
  
[He hands over HARRY]  
  
Harry: I'm a baby and therefore can't talk. Check out the whopper of a scar I have though!  
  
[DUMBLEDORE holds HARRY and walks towards THE DURSLEY'S HOUSE]  
  
Dumbledore: Wow, what a whopper of a scar! Bummer of a birthmark Hal!  
  
[AUTHORESS apologizes for this 'personal' joke, go read some of Gary Larson's Far Side comics and you will understand it.]  
  
McGonagall: You're off your rocker, my love, if you think leaving him with these muggles is a good idea. He's going to be famous, we could cash in, while he's still too young to understand!  
  
Dumbledore: No, I think it's far better to leave him here with awful people so he grows up skinny, troubled and with a hugely low self esteem. Otherwise the rest of the series will lack a lot of motive, won't it? He won't be as depressed in Order of the Phoenix for one.  
  
McGonagall: He won't be very surprised at Diagon Alley either...  
  
Dumbledore: And yet again, it will reveal that Sirius is a good guy and we can't have that.  
  
Hagrid: Huh?  
  
[MCGONAGALL tries to PAT HAGRID on the shoulder but can only reach his NAVEL]  
  
McGonagall: Oh well, I guess we better go through with it. Pity though.  
  
[HAGRID bursts into tears]  
  
Dumbledore: There, there Hagrid. It's not goodbye after all. And look, [DUMBLEDORE pulls out a book and flicks through a few pages and shows it to HAGRID] It's only a matter of a chapter or two and you get to see him again!  
  
Hagrid: Wow, and we won't appear to have aged a bit!  
  
[DUMBLEDORE puts HARRY on the doorstep then puts an ENVELOPE on top of him]  
  
Dumbledore: Good luck, Harry Potter.  
  
McGonagall: Wow, check out the scar! 


	2. A Trip to The Reptile House

Author notes: This parody was GREATLY inspired by Jehan's Muse's PotC: Curse of the Anachronistic Allusions's parody. Apologies to her. :) Thanks to everyone who has already reviewed the first chapter!  
  
---------  
  
Harry Potter and The Philosopher's Stone – or as I like to call it, The Big Red Stone That Everyone Wants But No One Can Find Unless You Are An 11 Year Old Wizard Newbie  
  
[EXT: HARRY lies asleep in his CUPBOARD, his SCAR is glowing]  
  
Harry: Zzzz...wow, check out my scar!  
  
Petunia: Get up!  
  
Harry: Oh geez, I still live with these idiots.  
  
Petunia: Ha ha, and you will do so until you kill your arch enemy that you won't meet for a whole year and you won't even know you can't leave until five books are done!  
  
Harry: What?  
  
Petunia: Get up!  
  
[DUDLEY is jumping on the stairs above HARRY'S CUPBOARD]  
  
Dudley: Wake up Potter! We're going to the zoo!  
  
Harry: But I though you were going with Piers!  
  
Dudley: Piers doesn't even exist in the film version, and we don't even have to have Mrs. Figg either!  
  
Harry: D'oh.  
  
[HARRY gets up after being KICKED by DUDLEY]  
  
Petunia: Hurry up and make breakfast!  
  
Harry: But you've already made it! Look!  
  
Vernon: Cut your lying you little toe rag. Get me some coffee and some more bacon!  
  
Harry: If you have any more bacon you'll look like a...  
  
Dudley: [talking over Harry] how many presents have you got me?  
  
Vernon: Ah... four thousand and fifty two this year m'boy.  
  
Dudley: four thousand and fifty two? Last year you gave me four thousand and fifty four!  
  
Harry: I'm surprised you can even count that high you fat...  
  
[All the DURSLEYS ignore HARRY]  
  
Petunia: we will get you some more at the zoo precious!  
  
Dudley: you better.  
  
Petunia: Of course we will.  
  
Dudley: I'll get angry if you don't.  
  
Petunia: We will.  
  
[HARRY rolls his eyes]  
  
[CUT TO. PRIVET DRIVE, the DURSLEYS and HARRY are getting into the CAR]  
  
Vernon: I'm warning you boy, any funny business...  
  
Harry: [interrupting him] what, like when I set the house on fire?  
  
Vernon: Yes...  
  
Harry: [interrupting him] or when I made the cat grow extra legs and walk on the ceiling?  
  
Vernon: YES...  
  
Harry: [interrupting him] or when I hypnotized you and make you sing "I Will Survive" in front of your new boss?  
  
Vernon: [going red and steaming from the ears] YES DAMNIT! Anything like that and it's no food for a week.  
  
Harry: right, gotcha. Funny business and it's no grub for a week.  
  
[CUT TO the REPTILE HOUSE]  
  
[HARRY and the DURSLEYS are staring at a BOA CONSTRICTER through a sheet of GLASS]  
  
Dudley: Make him move!  
  
Vernon: Move!  
  
Boa: Nope. I'm feigning sleep.  
  
Dudley: He's boring.  
  
Harry: [under his breath] you're boring, you big fat...  
  
[The DURSLEYS walk off, ignoring HARRY]  
  
Harry: Hi Mr. Boa.  
  
[The BOA winks at HARRY]  
  
Harry: Wow! Did you just wink at me?  
  
[The BOA winks again, but more obviously]  
  
Harry: Wow! So you can hear me?  
  
[The BOA rolls its eyes]  
  
Harry: wow, I must be some freak snake-talking-but-not-magical-person.  
  
Boa: Or you're a Parsel Mouth.  
  
Harry: What?  
  
Boa: Don't worry, wait a year and it will make lots of sense.  
  
Harry: Really?  
  
Boa: Yes, and say hi to the Basilisk for me.  
  
Harry: The what?  
  
Boa: Don't worry.  
  
[DUDLEY runs up to the BOA, PUSHING HARRY out of the way]  
  
Dudley: Wow, it's moving!  
  
Boa: [looking at DUDLEY] Geez, I'm glad I was raised it captivity.  
  
Harry: You sure are.  
  
[HARRY fixes DUDLEY with an evil stare. The GLASS DISAPPEARS]  
  
Harry: Woo, magical me!  
  
[The BOA escapes as DUDLEY falls in the water]  
  
Boa: [to Harry] Thanks.  
  
Harry: No problem, just don't bite me.  
  
Boa: Deal.  
  
[The DURSLEYS start screaming as DUDLEY realizes he's trapped behind the glass]  
  
[VERNON fixes HARRY with a knowing stare]  
  
Harry: [he sighs] Right. No food for a week. 


	3. A Tale of Two Many Letters

Author notes: This parody was GREATLY inspired by Jehan's Muse's PotC: Curse of the Anachronistic Allusions's parody. Apologies to her. :) Thanks to everyone who has already reviewed the first chapter!  
---------  
  
**Harry Potter and The Philosopher's Stone – or as I like to call it, The Big Red Stone That Everyone Wants But No One Can Find Unless You Are An 11 Year Old Wizard Newbie**  
  
[The DURLEYS arrive HOME, PETUNIA is holding DUDLEY who is quivering from the cold]  
  
Petunia: My poor little popsickle duddy-wuddy-fuddy-kins!  
  
Dudley: I am so cold, you better feed me quick or I shall surely perish!  
  
Harry: Un-likely!  
  
[VERNON clasps HARRY by the hair and drags him to his door]  
  
Vernon: What happened?  
  
Harry: Well, it was really funny, Dudley teased me so I....  
  
Vernon: I KNOW what happened, how did it happen?  
  
Harry: Beats me, kind of like magic though 'init?  
  
Vernon: There's no such thing as magic! Except of course if you count the kind that your ruddy parents practiced!  
  
Harry: HUH?  
  
Vernon: Never mind! Go to your room while I growl at you from the grate!  
  
[The next day, an OMNIOUS OWL sits on the roof]  
  
[CUT TO. HARRY goes to the door to get the MAIL]  
  
Harry: Oooh look, a letter for me! Maybe it's the thigh master I ordered off late night TV!  
  
[He walks into the KITCHEN where the DURSLEYS are sitting.]  
  
Dudley: Look! Harry's got a letter!  
  
Harry: How can you even tell what a letter is you dimwitted...  
  
[The DURSLEYS ignore HARRY. DUDLEY grabs the LETTER off HARRY]  
  
Harry: wow, you can move pretty quick for a huge fat...  
  
[VERNON now has the LETTER,]  
  
Vernon: as if anyone would be writing to you, doesn't Ron use the telephone now?  
  
Harry: Ron? Ron who?  
  
[VERNON turns the LETTER over and sees THE HOGWARTS CREST]  
  
Vernon: [off hand] Never mind...no one will write to you next year either, but that won't be your fault, or in your fifth year! That's right, the whole 'Order' thing...  
  
[PETUNIA jabs VERNON in the ribs]  
  
Vernon: Ah! I mean...well...don't worry!  
  
Harry: What order? What fifth year?  
  
[CUT TO. Another OMNIOUS OWL delivers a LETTER and goes to sit beside two more OWLS]  
  
[VERNON is drilling the letterbox shut]  
  
Harry: Hmm, I wonder why he doesn't want me to get those letters?  
  
[CUT TO. VERNON and PETUNIA outside as VERNON goes to work]  
  
Petunia: Bye, bye my scrummy-yummy-husby-wusby...ooh look Vernon! More Owls!  
  
[Sure enough there are a HECK LOAD of owls]  
  
Vernon: Owl post again, and again! (see bottom of page)  
  
[CUT TO. Sunday, Everyone inside, HARRY hands out cookies]  
  
Harry: Hope you choke on them you filthy fat...What's that about Sundays being good Uncle?  
  
Dudley: You tell me, cause I have no idea what he's on about!  
  
Harry: Is it because of the 'no post' thing?  
  
Petunia: [under her breath] no normal post, but Owls aren't particularly normal are they...?  
  
Vernon: Right you are Harry! No post!  
  
Petunia:...no, no normal post, but maybe still some owls...  
  
[A SHAPE flies past the window]  
  
Harry: Hmm, that looked like an owl, but...  
  
Vernon: sings no mail today, my love has gone away...  
  
[A LETTER flies down the CHIMNEY and hits VERNON in the face]  
  
Vernon: What?  
  
[ANOTHER LETTER hits him on the face]  
  
Vernon: Hmm?  
  
[THOUSANDS OF LETTERS start bursting out of the chimney]  
  
Vernon: Oh.  
  
[HARRY races after all the LETTERS. He manages (after some surprising difficulty) to get ONE]  
  
Vernon: No! You can't get it that easy! I want to meet Hagrid!  
  
[HARRY stops midway down the HALL]  
  
Harry: Who's Hagrid?  
  
Vernon: Err...nevermind!  
  
[He lunges for the Letter]  
  
Harry: Uh uh fatso!  
  
[Harry runs off but Vernon catches him around the waist]  
  
Vernon: We're going far, far away, where no one can find us!  
  
Dudley: Yay, France again!  
  
Vernon: Somewhere where I can still speak the language!  
  
Dudley: Yay, Wales!  
  
Harry: Dudley, use your brain...  
  
Dudley: Rock in the middle of the ocean?  
  
Vernon: Too right!  
  
Dudley: Daddy's gone bonkers...  
  
Harry: I could have told you that years ago.  
  
-----------------------------------------------  
(A nice Azkaban reference if ever I saw one!) 


End file.
